Confirmed

I've actually debated posting this here or at all. I'm hoping that writing it and sharing will make my journey to total acceptance a little easier.

First, I am so thankful to have even had the chance to be pregnant and have a wonderful daughter. There was a time in my TTC journey where I thought I would not be able to get pregnant. So I don't want to seem ungrateful or selfish for feeling the way I do today. I really am blessed and I do realize this but I must mourn the fact the I will not be having another child.

Three months after having The Girl, a numbness traveled throughout my body when I was at the pet supply store. I was walking looking for cat liter and my foot went numb. I started stomping on my foot, trying to get it to "wake up". By the time I was at the cashier the numbness left my foot but began to travel up my leg. As it made its way through my body, I was overcome by fear that this numbness would paralyze my lungs or heart.

I clumsily got to my car - although the numbness was gone from my foot, it still felt dead. I called The Husband and told him what happened. He told me to get home immediately. I got there in one piece (thank God, I really shouldn't have been driving). At home, my lips and tongue were numb and I had trouble talking. After a bit I couldn't say The Girl's name. It just wouldn't come out.

We went to the ER and thus began one of the most challenging times of my life. After being cleared from the ER, I eventually got an MRI which showed leisions on my brain. I was having almost daily "attacks" sometimes with the numbness, slurrness of speech and sometimes without. I would be getting horrendous, killer headaces and getting sick every few minutes. The first neurologist diagnosed it as MS. The MS Specialist said it wasn't.

In the end, its migraines with neurological auras. Last summer, my migraine doc told me that I would be at an increased risk for stroke during another pregnancy. Hearing this news was a punch in the stomach and even hearing the possibilty shut the door in The Husband's mind of having another child.

I've been trying to accept this for almost a year now. People have told me to talk to other docs. I finally had my annual exam at my ob/gyn office and she confirmed to me what I didn't want to hear. I am at high risk, I would have to see a high risk OB. When I told her that we're thinking of not having other kids because of this, she thought it was a very good idea.

I was upset but not crying or anything. I called The Husband at work to talk and as soon as I tried telling him what we already knew, I just burst out in tears.

So much goes through my head - why couldn't I have had a crappy pregnancy so I wouldn't want to be pregnant again so damn badly? Why do I seem to be ovulating every freaking month now when I had to be put on meds for that to happen when I was TTC?

I want The Girl to have a little sister (because both Husband and I know we'd have a girl for a fact :D ) I have names picked out. I want to actuall enjoy having a large belly again. I want the excitement of the birth. I want that little new born sleeping on my chest. I want to go through all the cute stages that The Girl has already grown out of.

But I can't risk my life. I have The Girl to think about and I don't want to leave her. She is a blessing in so many ways b/c I now realize that I was at high risk during my pregnancy with her. I don't take that fact as a "I did it once, I can do it again", I take that as me being very lucky that nothing bad happened with that pregnancy.

Today, I'm just feeling like I'm back at Square One. I was attempting to accept things by slowly giving away some baby items. I've been telling people we were only having one. Now I've been pushed back feeling sad and sorry for myself. I hope it gets easier. I hope that I can finally accept this completely.