Notes from a hypochondriac

Every time I go to a doctor's appoinment, I find myself facing my own mortality the days before the actual appointment. I become so worried that something is wrong with me and whatever it is, they didn't catch on time and thus, too late to do anything about it. Yep, that's how my lovely, spotty brain works. But as my medical drama proved last year, just because you're a hypochrondriac doesn't mean something isn't wrong with you.

I left my annual exam with normal blood work, being told to diet & exercise and an Rx for physical therapy. I've had lower back issues for a long time now and now my hip hurts and my tailbone hurts every time I sit down. Lovely. The whole tailbone thing - yea, I was convinced it was cancer even though all the research I did on my pain didn't lead me to that conclusion, just the worriness in my mind.

I've always been slightly paranoid about my health. I'm not in the "Why me" category of asking when something does go wrong. I'm in the "why not me" category. Young people get sick and die everyday - I'm not special it could happen to me. I like to think - well I had all those problems last year so I have a rest from anything being wrong for at least 5 years but I know I'm not immune to something happening.

But waiting for an appointment, waiting for test results, is stressing me a lot more now that I have The Girl in my life. I admire those who do not fear death. I am not there in my life. Although I have faith and believe in God and Heaven, I'm not ready to leave what I have been given here on Earth. My greatest fear at this time in my life is leaving The Girl. If something happened to me now, she would have no memory of me. Just photos and stories but no real memories and the thought of that just hurts me so deep inside. I hate even thinking this - I especially hate writing this but here I am emptying those words I fear so that maybe, maybe I can give up a little bit of the constant worry I have.

I left the doctor's office today feeling relieved and happy but you know what was in the back of my mind? "Doctors make mistakes. I wonder if something really is wrong with me." Ugh, I think I need help.