I think I'm crazy

Strap on the straight jacket and lock the door...I do believe I'm going off the deep end.

I went to see a new neurologist on Friday ( Brain Doctor ). I fully expected myself to leave the office, upset with the confirmation that it would be dangerous for me to be pregnant. I was prepping myself that I would be having to stop holding on to the hopes and maybe's and try more then ever to accept that I would only be pregnant once, have one beautiful child, and that The Girl would not grow up with a sibling to play with beside her.

What I got was Well, you're at high risk for a stroke period. Pregnancy really won't effect it. SCREECH! We talked a bit longer about a few different things. Both of my meds are Class C which are not good for pregnancies. She wants me to go to a Genetics Counselor to see if I could remain on what if I got pregnant. I asked about weaning regardless of pregnancy and she still told me to see the genetics counselor first. I also got some blood work done to see if there were any evident risk factors for stroke.

Whew. I liked her a lot. But I left there a bit shell shocked. I was basically given an ticket to get pregnant after 2 years of being told and telling myself that #2 was an unrealistic dream. And now that it was technically ok, well I didn't know what to think.

What I have come to realize is that I without even realizing it, actually wanted the doc to tell me pregnancy wasn't a good idea. That way, the decision would have been made and all the other obstacles wouldn't matter. I was confused and again in limbo.

The crazy part is coming up....
After talking to The Husband and finding out the really, at this point, the big thing hold us back from #2...is financial. Did you hear that? Finances is the big obstacle....not The Husband's desire to only have 1 child. Uhm, that's a change.

We talked quite a bit. The more we talked, the more I thought, the more I panicked. Maybe I don't want another baby after all. Seriously. The Girl, to me, is perfect. She's cool and wonderful and amazes me everyday. I realize that parents like 2nd children (and 4th children who tend to be the best of the bunch) but the thought of having enough love when you have so much for one child is just hard to fathom.

Then you think logistics...nursing - didn't go to well the first time around. I would try again but let me just say cracked and bleeding. Yea. Formula - damn expensive. Diapers- my goodness, we are trying to get The Girl out of them and I want to start putting a baby into them for another 3 years? Daycare - 2 daycare stops & pick ups? Don't know about that.

Plus, we are so blessed to have a healthy little girl. Do you roll the dice again?

I so wanted a sibling for The Girl. A sister of course,(The Husband and I are so sure we would have a girl) to grow up with- close in age - and be good friends. Now, I can only think that they will grow up and hate each other!

I'm on full out panic mode for absolutely no reason b/c the whole financial barrier is a BIG barrier. But this is the first time a #2is even close to being put on the table. So its kinda cool but now kinda making me question what I want. Am I having cold feet or are my true feelings coming through?

So that's my crazy talk. Post after post of wanting to be pregnant, of wanting another and now when it could possibly happen in the future, I don't know if I want it.

I r crzy.